Peripheral Knowledge

The Light Dawns

2011-07-25T06:55:00.001-07:00

For a lot of years now I have been a little off kilter. Yeah, yeah....I know what you are thinking; you already knew that. I freely admit to being a little quirky and occasionally downright backwards, but that isn't what I am talking about.

Let me back up. There was a time, many years in my life when I could do anything I put my mind to. I was strong and relatively intelligent. I got any job I applied for. I could work out and not perish. I had clothes that fit. I was good at my job. I had friends....lots of them! I knew myself; my strengths and weaknesses.

Things changed a bit when I got married and my family (parents and brother) moved to another state, I was a bit adrift in the sea if my new family. They all had each other and 'their' ways (which I was not to question) and I felt like an outsider and alone. Now don't get me wrong! Nothing was ever done by most of them to make me feel this way. They were just living the life they always had. They had no idea what it was like to stand in my shoes and it simply never occurred to them to find out. It is only now, some 25 years later that I finally understand some of the inner workings of this family. But I will get to that in a bit.

So, here I am, a newly married 20 year old and my greatest dream is to be a wife and mother. I know that I am nurturing and I have a really well developed sense of right and wrong. I love children. This I can do! And so, we begin our family. First a son; an amazing little man who has grown into an amazing big man. He was a delight and a challenge all rolled into one. Why not have more! Along came our first daughter...and 18 months of post-partum depression. Our daughter was the most beautiful baby ever and I was so happy to be her mom, but I just couldn't shake the baby blues.

As I had said before, my family had moved to another state and so I was on my own. It was actually my sister, who also lived in another state but was savvy enough to pick up on the symptoms, who urged me to seek help. In my own defense, I did reach out once. I was desperate and in a phone conversation with my mother-in-law said' "I don't understand. I really need help and you are taking (sister-in-law) on a vacation to talk her out of dating some guy.". Her reply, "well, I can see you are just jealous.". I'm not sure it was jealousy but I was a mess. I truly needed help but I learned that day not to ask. Not to depend. I was not at the top of the list. I needed to pull myself up by my bootstraps and move on. If only it were that easy.

Fast forward a few years and we have adopted four beautiful children. This is what we felt led to do. No regrets. However...this is where my whole being began to be chipped away daily. What did I always want to be? A mom. What did I think I was good at? Nurturing children and raising them to be good adults. Well, let me tell you, those notions were being put to the test.

After losing virtually all of our friends because we chose to adopt initially, we had very little support. That's ok. I am strong. I can do this. Child needs a Bilateral Craniotomy? No problem. Next child needs a prosthetic leg our insurance won't cover? No problem. I will make three or four trips to Minneapolis with all the kids by myself each year. The boys need counseling to overcome the trauma they experienced in the beginning of their lives? No problem. I will structure our days and our budget to accommodate that too.

Except it isn't that easy. It isn't that cut and dried. It isn't always 'no problem'. Sometimes it actually is PROBLEM! Especially if you add into this scenario being self employed and having a spouse who works 80 hours a week. It is draining. It is overwhelming.

The hardest part has now been addressed, thankfully. The boys are in counseling. Things are on the upswing. But prior to this year? Well, let's just say things were on a downswing.

Nothing I did parenting-wise was working. Everything that worked with the other four kiddos bounced off those boys like they were rubber. They were impervious to my love and nurturing. They lied. They snuck. They smiled and nodded when you gave instructions and then went and did exactly what they wanted to do. One of them has destroyed all of our books. He also has urinated on the floor when angry. He has spent every morning of the last three years doing everything he can do make me angry before school. He has succeeded.

I became an angry mom. I was angry because I was trying so hard, doing everything I knew how, reading all the parenting books I could and still, nothing was turning out right. I was failing at parenting. I was failing at the ONE thing I thought I would be good at! I was a failure at the thing I had always dreamed of being. A painful reality.

Then a light appeared at the end of my tunnel and this time it did not turn out to be an oncoming train. I found out about a place in Norfolk that does attachment counseling with internationally adopted children. I called. We went. We are still going. Everyone is learning about themselves and making progress. Let me tell you though, it ain't easy! To face abandonment and make peace with it...hard. To truly believe that you are worth being loved....hard. To learn not to react immediately in anger to a child who is reacting to intrinsic memory....hard.

But we are working through the hard stuff. We are becoming a closer family. Nobody urinates on the floor and the truth is told at a normal level. It is disappointing to realize that I could not just be the amazing parent I thought I could be but I am ever thankful to God for bringing the Counseling Enrichment Center into our lives. He has worked mightily through them to mold and repair our family. Are we 'there' yet? Nope. But we are making progress and that is better than before.

In addition to getting the attachment help we needed, I have come to realize that not being on the top of my mother-in-laws list is not my fault. It isn't due to some failing on my part as I believed for so many years. I know she loves me. No doubt about that. But her daughter is just that, her daughter. The baby she prayed for many years ago and was the answer to those prayers. I have never wanted to compete with the sister-in-law...ever. There is nothing to compete for. I simply needed a mom all those years ago and did not, at that time, understand her choice. Now I do. I also understand that things happen for a reason and I can be aware of how I treat my daughters and sons-in-law because of this.

So on a few levels, the light has dawned for me. Realizing that the boys needed more than I was qualified to give has released me from my constant anger at myself for not being a better parent. Realizing that finding our family the help we need was really a good parenting move....well maybe I am an OK parent after all! Besides, on the whole I do have some pretty amazing, respectful, smart, witty and all around fantabulous kids!

Now that the light has finally dawned, I believe I will bask in the sunlight.

Wednesday...Gateway to Thursday

2010-11-10T15:38:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know that title makes no sense, except that Thursdays are usually my quietest day and I really look forward to them.

I am quite literally counting the hours until this day is over. It has not gone so well. Oh sure, I have had a couple minor successes. I got my nails done (I like the nails but it feels like such a major time suck to sit there when so much else needs to be done), I washed dishes by hand because the dishwasher was running already and I made Sofie an appointment at the prosthetics place for next week.

A good bit of trauma began, however, when I opened my calendar on my phone accidentally instead of my contacts. I saw that Sofie had an orthodontics appointment today at 11:50. Ugh! I had forgotten. So, I called the middle school to have them give her a note saying I would be there at 11:30. I then opened my iPad to check what days would be good for that prosthetics appointment and see that her orthodontist appointment is at 10:30! Immediately I call the school back to change the time, all the while feeling increasingly stupid. Then I am unsure. What time is her appointment really supposed to be?? I search through emails until I locate the one from the orthodondist and see that it is indeed at 11:50. Oh bother! I am NOT calling the school back again!

When I arrived, an hour earlier than really necessary, I find that she is not ready because the office never sent her the note. Good grief! We leave, rush through some paperwork at my office, hit the orthodontist and then enjoy lunch out at the new Chinese buffet. I guess that turned out OK after all.

Of course then after school Sofie needs to be picked up are so she can stay and take a test she missed, the fax I need to send gets a busy signal nine times and I run out of time to sit and wait for it, I have no plan for dinner, I totally missed the dude who came to re-check the kitchen island measurement and he didn't get the cabinet door he needs to send in to have stain-matched and I am going to bang my head on the tile floor soon because I've been trying to study for a test over cells with the 5th grader and he tells me they never talked about how the chloroplasts get energy from the sun. Hhmmm...really? THEN WHY DOES IT SAY THOSE EXACT WORDS ON YOUR STUDY GUIDE???

Of course, as any fine parent would do on a day like today, I made a bacon and sauerkraut dish. No main dish just the sauerkraut. I thought it sounded good and I had the ingredients. The kids are not going to eat it. I will let them eat cold cereal. Then we can hop off to church where I can hand out snacks because feeding people makes me happy.

Tomorrow is Thursday. Today is Thursday Eve. Tomorrow I have no appointments. Sshhhh! I know about all those things I SHOULD do tomorrow! Do you think I don't? Of course I do. But right now, the entire column under Thursday in my calendar is empty. It is beautiful.

A Walk Down Memory Lane

2010-10-21T17:19:00.000-07:00

Today I took advantage of the amazing fall weather and a rare commitment-free day to go for a walk. Sometimes I walk around our lake neighborhood but it is only a little over a mile and I get bored so I rarely go around more than once. Today I decided to start at one point and walk to another no matter how long it took. It took a hour and a half!

I walked along one of our community walking trails and enjoyed the bright Autumn sun and crisp air. I came across a mouse in the path....it was dead, thankfully. I watched a beautiful deer bound along the ditch and then stop and watch me approach before bounding off again into the woods. Squirrels played tag across my path and I had to laugh.

Now I have walked part of this path in the last couple of years but I always turn around at a certain point and head back. My time is always too tight. But not today. Today I blew right past my usual turn around spot and kept chugging along.

I am so glad I did! I quickly came upon the spot where Rick, the kids and I went fishing in the dark one night. We roasted weenies and made s'mores and made some memories. I smiled as I passed by.

As I continued on I entered the area where I used to run when I was waiting for Chase's adoption to go through. I have not thought of those tough days for a long time. We waited for him for 2 years and I remember the the deals I made with God as I ran; if I run to that tree we would get a call with good news. It never worked but it kept me busy.

Continuing on, I walked down the stretch of paved path where Sofie practiced walking with her first prosthesis. She was 2 years old and loved the freedom of leaving her stroller behind as she walked away. I can still hear her sweet giggle from that day.

Further on I came upon the picnic table where I sat to enjoy the view and the sound of the little waterfall when things were really stressful. I still love that spot.

Just beyond the picnic table and waterfall is the spot where I let our pet rabbits loose in the park. In my own defense, it was many years ago, I didn't know it was illegal and I thought it was a beautiful place to live if you were a bunny!

Trekking on, I recognized the little incline where Ana fell while rollerblading and broke her arm. That was a terrible day! We were a ways from the vehicle, I was running and the kids were rollerblading. Bless her heart, Ana was a trooper.

As I neared the spot where I planned to turn around I passed the one spot along the path where the pine tres smell so good. It is so odd and I don't know why it is only there but I love it. It smells like Christmas to me.

Finally I reached my turn-around point and headed back toward my car...enjoying all my memories in reverse.

Why am I a Mother?

2010-05-09T05:42:00.000-07:00

This being Mother's Day and all, I have been thinking about why I am a mother. Well, that and the fact that I was awake at 6 a.m. for no apparent reason at all with nothing to do but think.

So anyway, why am I a mom? Maybe because I have no other marketable skills. Perhaps I didn't want to go on to college. Was I raised in a home that taught me that 'good women' were wives and mothers? Who knows. All I do know is that from my earliest recollections, all I ever wanted to be was a mommy.

I loved my mom. I mean really l.o.v.e.d. my mom! She was always there to do the 'mom' stuff. She made the meals, she helped with homework, she drove us to and picked us up from school (in the towns where we lived that didn't have bussing), she was a MOM. She took her job seriously. She wasn't constantly looking for that elusive something that would fulfill her. She didn't treat mothering as something she had to do until we were old enough that she could get back to doing what she really wanted to do.

And yet, she did enrich her mind. She read a lot and on car trips, she would read the funny parts out loud. I liked that. When I was in fifth grade she took an accounting class and I recall being so impressed that she was learning that. She always had a great circle of friends and even made friends anywhere she went (or even talking to the telephone operator during a wrong number situation once. I believe her example of warmth and humor to others greatly impacted me.

So, that is what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to make a home and take care of my family. Boy, I had no clue how that idea would bloom into the crazy family I have now! I envisioned a quiet little family like the one I grew up in. Mine couldn't be further from that now.

Oh sure, it started out pretty simple. First our beautiful son was born. What a joy! I knew I wanted more children but I so enjoyed him that the four years flew by before we had our second child; our beautiful daughter. Such a juxtaposition was her birth. She was everything I wanted; a daughter who was amazing in every way. She completed our family. She was sweet-tempered and everything should've been perfect. It would've, had it not been for the 18 months of post-partum depression coupled with Rick quitting his secure job of 11 years to buy our first business. My lovely dream of motherhood collided with the harsh world of stress.

When things finally evened out five years later, we knew we were supposed to adopt a daughter from Russia. So we did and that snowballed into three more international adoptions. Of course, we didn't bring home perfect little bouncing baby bundles of joy. No, we brought home children between the ages of 19 months and 5 years, three with varying degrees of physical issues (missing limb, needing craniotomy and genetic stiffening of the joints) and bless his heart, the last one being the brother of one of the others. They were not 'bouncing baby' anythings...but they were perfect for our family.

My mothering took on an entirely different tone. No longer were my days filled with the simple things like making meals and going to the park. Now we were teaching litte ones how to live in a family and speak English. Medical issues sucked cash faster than we could make it sometimes. The emotional fallout of living in an Eastern European orphanage had to be dealt with daily.

This was nowhere near what I had ever dreamed of when I wanted to be a mom. And yet, I cannot imagine it any other way. I would have been bored silly with two 'average' kids. I love the fact that not only have I been able to be Mommy to our biological children, but also to our children who needed a second chance. What a blessing!

Maybe this sounds silly to you, but I feel like perhaps I've done a little good in the world. Not really for just my kids, but for some other kids who may have benefitted in the school system because I stomped in and asked the teachers and administration to educate themselves on children who have been raised with early childhood trauma. I know there have been other children adopted because I got the opportunity to speak about our own experiences. It's been an arduous journey for us. It's not been easy by any stretch but I liken it to digging a well by hand. It takes a long, long time and you get sore and dirty and want to give up a million times, but when it's done and you can see the fresh water being pumped out and quenching the thirst of others, you know it was worth all the hard work.

I'm quite satisfied that my childhood wish to be 'just a mom' has come true. I'm blessed to have all six of my unique and perfect (for me!) children plus a wonderful daughter-in-law. I want all of my children to follow a path that leads to their own personal happiness and I hope that my daughters will want to be moms. It is my great hope that they will see the importance of raising the next generation with strength and moral conviction...and humor and grace. There is not much applause in the daily tasks of making lunches and tying shoes or later on taking the swimsuit needed for the away meet up to the school in the nick of time. But let me tell you this, there is a deep, deep satisfaction in seeing your children being respectful, sincere, hardworking, kind, generous and able to love the Lord, themselves and others. For me, that is the big payoff.

Happy Mother's Day to my own mom, Paula Jacks, who set the example I wanted to follow, and to my wonderfully patient and accepting of a mouthy young girl who took over her son's life mother-in-law, Karen Tate. I love you both!

Balancing Act

2010-04-08T12:18:00.000-07:00

A Balancing Act

Do you find yourself running like a maniac during the day? I do. Do you find that you are working so hard to be organized that you’ve run out of time to enjoy life? I have. Do you find that you are so intent on making sure things are done correctly that you are making everyone else in the family miserable in the process? Oh boy, I am.
I find myself failing at these specific things each day and I am frustrated. Why? It is good to be busy, right? It’s good to be organized, right? It’s good to do things correctly, right? Well, sure, to an extent all of those things are good. But when my focus is on the running and the organizing and the correctness of everything, I have lost my way. God didn’t call me to be a City Planner or a CEO or a task master. He called me to be a mom.
Yes, yes…I know what you are saying. Being a mom involves ALL of those duties; running like crazy, organizing and doing things correctly. I know. But it’s so much more than that. Being a mom is about teaching through example how to accomplish those tasks. It’s about knowing your little people and what is going on in their hearts and in their day. It’s about spending time being happy with them even if the ‘things’ of the day aren’t done or perfect. (Jill…are you listening? Hello? Jill? ) For some, this is a monumental task. Ok, fine. For me this is a monumental task.
Possibly it has to do with the size of my family and number of businesses we own. There IS a lot to do in a day. And truly, can I tell the accountant or the bank, “Gee, sorry about the overdraft. I will do my bookwork later. I’m enjoying the kids this week!” Well, of course not. (though I’d love to!) There has to be a balance. Striking that balance is what I find difficult.
Maybe you are a little like me. I put off all fun things until the ‘un-fun’ things are done. I don’t go for a walk until I have done my bookwork, laundry, errands, menus, grocery shopping, food prep., etc. This means I rarely get to go for a walk. I don’t commit to hanging out with a friend because I know I will have work to do and if I don’t get it done right away it will pile up and then it will become unmanageable! Well, at least that’s how it feels to me. This means I rarely get to hang out with friends. I don’t want to burden my parents/older kids with the littles so I don’t ask for sitters unless I really must. This means I mostly get sitters for the ‘un-fun’ things. Then I begin to be an unhappy camper. And you know what they say: If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!
So I go back to the Bible and see what God has to say about my current dilemma. I know that God is not a God of chaos. I know He is a God of order and peace. I want order and peace!! Proverbs 17:1 says, “Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting with strife.”
Ok, I get it. Basically it’s better to have Pizza Rolls and a happy home than a standing rib roast with 4 amazing side dishes and a cranky mother. So I’m going to work on re-aligning my priorities with His; striking a balance between the nuts and bolts of the day and being the mom I should be. How about you? Do you need to lighten up too? If so, then join me in memorizing Proverbs 17:1. God IS the God of peace!
So now I wonder, does that ‘crust’ have to be homemade? Oh boy…

I'm Really Not A People Person

2010-03-10T21:46:00.000-08:00

I think that I am. I thought that I was. But I am apparently not. A people person that is...

I love people. Don't get me wrong. People are good...mostly. When I am in a group, I really enjoy myself. I'm relatively entertaining and I love to meet new people. My problem seems to be maintaining deep relationships. I am finding that I don't really want to share....myself....my time...even my stuff now and then. Maybe I've been taken advantage of too many times. Maybe I've had expectations that are just too high. Maybe I've expected to get back what I give....and haven't. Oh this blog has become such a downer!

So, let's back up. I was an extremely shy child. I liked home. I liked my mom. I did not like school or Brownies (WHO makes a small child glue cotton onto paper??? It's impossible and I hate the way cotton feels!) or summer camp or new schools or not getting my own way (if you ask my older sister). But regardless, we moved a lot and I was tossed into new school after new school where I developed humor as a coping mechanisim. I learned to approach others (despite almost paralyzing fear) and start a conversation because if I didn't, nobody was going to talk to me; they already HAD friends. I needed friends. It became a skill...almost a detachment of my true self.

Now I find that I am still adept at making new friends and I'm really pretty good at customer service. But I am not comfortable with maintaining relationships. I don't have much of a track record with that particular skill. With such a big and busy family, I don't have much time for other relationships so I probably use that as my excuse to not make the time. I'm thankful for a couple of friends who continue to touch base with me so I don't completely fade away. They ask me to do things and every time I can say YES I am so happy that I did. But, truth be told, I feel really nervous to say yes. Why? I'm 43 years old???

Is it the guilt of going and having a fun dinner with a friend when my husband is at home with the kids after a long hard day at work? Is it that I feel I should spend my time with him since we don't get much time together? Or am I really just inclined to be a hermit?

Most likely, a mixture of all of the above. Stir in the fact that I'm not good at playing the 'social' games and I really don't want to join in. I like straight forward, real communication. I don't do well ignoring the fact that a person is cheating on their spouse or is in dire financial trouble and yet continuing to live above their means. I wish I could just gloss it over....not care about it....let it go! I work on it.

My sister has the most amazing group of friends. Her social calendar is always full and that looks so appealing to me. Then again, she has 2 kids and I have 4 still at home. It's not a cop out...it makes a difference. But you know what? I am so blessed that she has shared her friends with me! What a great sister she is :) I LOVE...I mean L.O.V.E visiting her and getting to hang with her and her friends. That is one of the most amazing things about my sister...she always shares everything that she has...but I digress.

My dad is a little hermit-ish. Perhaps I have come by it honestly. Regardless, I find it hard to balance the intense demands of a busy family (with kids who's needs are slightly above average....to say the least) with friendships that are deeply satisfying.

Even when I have a day without a lot of scheduled activity, I find that what I want to do is read or write or take photographs. None of those activities seem to require anyone but myself.

Maybe when the kids are grown and gone I will feel the need to spend more time with friends. Maybe.

Put Down the Tattoo Gun, Mom

2010-01-03T11:50:00.000-08:00

Wow. Now we've heard about all kinds of parents who do all kinds of off-kilter stuff to their kids, but this Mom-of-the-Year candidate really takes the cake!

Jo-Jo Marsh apparently tattooed six of her seven children. She did tattoo the 10 year old but, in a burst of rare parental clarity, deemed the seven year old too young to be tatted. The design these unfortunate offspring are marked for life with is an X that Jo-Jo wants to pass off as a cross. Seriously, Jo-Jo? Why a cross? Is a cross tattoo going to somehow improve the perception of your tattooed 10 year old?

"Mommy! Look at that boy! He has an X tattooed on his hand! He must be a biker or a gangster!"

"Honey, that's not an X, that's a cross. He's obviously a nice boy! You don't have anything to be afraid of."

One might question why on Earth a parent would tat up their children. Well, Jo-Jo certainly has an answer for that query: the children were BEGGING for tattoos like hers. There you have it! Makes total sense to me. If a child BEGS for something, give it to them. It won't be long until we see the Marsh/Bartels children smoking cigs and sipping Wild Turkey if it strikes their fancy. Surely there is no value in weighing the merits of an activity and whether it is suitable for children or not. If their kids BEG, they get! My own children wish they were so lucky, I'm sure.

Ms. Marsh claims she did not know it was illegal to tattoo a child in the state of Georgia. Her response to the question regarding her knowledge of the law was, and I quote: "Oh God no, that's why I was tripping so hard, that's why I was so upset." Should we, at the very least, take some solace in that when confronted with the facts of the illegality of children being tattooed in the state of Georgia she had the decency to 'trip hard'? Nah, I didn't think so either.

Granted, I thought this woman was a kook from the get go. One does not go about inflicting painful permanent markings upon small children unless they are under the influence of mind-altering substances or perhaps victims of some disorder found in the DSM-IV.

But it gets better...or worse, as the case may be. See, we aren't talking about Kat Von D here. Jo-Jo isn't some upscale tattoo parlor owning celeb who, in true Brittney Spears fashion, tattooed up her children. That would be horrific enough. No, Jo-Jo fashioned her very own homemade tattoo gun using a guitar string as a needle. Does that make your head swim, or what?!

The kiddos were removed from the home when the parents were arrested for child endangerment and cruelty to children, but they have been returned by the Department of Family and Children Services now that the parents are out on bond. WHAT?! This woman has yet to even pretend that she's sorry or comprehend how her actions were inappropriate! She repeatedly defends herself with lame excuses such as:
1. "We didn't even break the skin barely"
2. "they are very tiny, just through a few layers, on the top, they will fade away, that's how minuscule this is."
3. She changed the needle each time
4. As the children's guardian, she should have the right to tattoo them if she chooses.
5. "Shouldn't I have say so over what goes on in my child's life? I have custody of my child, I'm not going to hurt my child."

None of those statements indicate that she thinks she did anything wrong and yet, those children are placed back in the home with her. Astounding! She's not going to hurt her child? I have a tattoo that I got at a real tattoo parlor with a real tattoo gun and it hurt! I can't imagine a child getting a tattoo with a guitar string needle not thinking it hurt. This woman is a LOON!

Those children need to be taken out of the home and Jo-Jo needs some serious help. Children aren't toys. I bet as a child all of Jo-Jo's dolls had their hair cut and were all markered up with faux tattoos. What do you think?

2010-01-01T13:26:00.000-08:00

Ahhh..here we are to 2010. A shiney new year to begin anew all the things we slacked on last year. While a new year isn't exactly a big do-over, it is a nice clean slate to start with.

Last year I found myself all wound up ALL the time about things I had no control over. I missed out on a lot of joy because I chose to be frustrated and mad. I plan to do better on that front this year.

I've been thinking about what will be my New Year's Resolution this year. I'm not going to resolve to lose weight or work out more or not yell at bad drivers. Been there, failed at that. Besides, those are really just temporal things. Does it make me a better person if I weigh 20 lbs. less or 40 lbs. more? Am I a better human if I can run a mile in 6 minutes and my biceps look like I'm flexing even when I'm not? Oh maybe, but not to the extent that I want to be a better human.

A couple of areas that could use a little work have been on my mind lately. I'll take a risk and share them with you here. Now you will all know when I'm failing miserably! Then again, maybe I'm not alone in my failue in these areas.

Firstly, I want to love my kids for who they are and let them fail. (gasp! fail??) That sounds trite...sappy...easy. For me it's not. I know you will all be SO surprised to hear this, but I tend to have high expectations for my children. No, really, it's true. I'm hard on them. I have ADD myself and have to have a pretty strict guidelines for myself. I impose those guidelines on my children. I forget that they are children. I don't allow them to try and fail. In my quest to help them succeed, I am actually handicapping them! And why, you might ask? Because it's EASIER FOR ME! Yep. That is the sad truth. It's easier for me to keep track of things if I control it all. tsk tsk tsk... So, this year I am going to make it my mission to STEP BACK and let my children have a little more room to breathe. I'll let them make more noise in the house; at least I'll try. I'll let them play their Nintendo DS's and the Wii more often and make them study a little less. It doesn't seem to have helped and has seemed to create a boy who will do ANYTHING to evade studying. Can we all say counterproductive? I'm totally working against myself and in the process, I've created a less than happy atmosphere in the home. 2010 is the year I love my children for the unique, quirky little people that they are even if they fail and I could've have saved them from it if they had just done things MY way!

Secondly, I was challenged by a sermon by our Youth Pastor last week. He asked the question: Who would you be if you lost everything; your possessions, your support, your loved ones, your status, your livelihood...everything? Would I be whiney and angry and mad that God had allowed such things to happen to me? Well, sadly, yes. I've already been that person. Oh, I haven't lost EVERYTHING. But a few years ago, I did lose most of my support system. Through an odd and complicated set of circumstances, several years ago, just when I THOUGHT I needed them most, my network of friends said 'adios!' I was shocked and stunned. Then I was MAD. Mad at them. Mad at everyone else. Mad at God. I couldn't understand why God would 'take' all my friends away at the very time I really needed them. We had just adopted our first (adopted) child and it was a stressful time. I felt alone and adrift. God had not abandoned me and yet I totally turned on Him. This oh-so-attractive state of my being continued for several years, I am ashamed to admit. I don't really recall what turned things around, but I eventually came to my senses, made peace with God (tearfully on my knees) and reconciled with my friends. So, as you can see, my track record ain't great and I only lost one little part of my comfy world that time. I need to seriously bolster my core...my heart....my spirit. My aim is to be the person who, if all is lost, can say as Job did, "I came into this world with nothing and I will leave with nothing. Praise God anyway" (paraphrase mine) I am trying to be conscious of my thoughts and attitudes towards my 'people and things'. I know that they aren't really MINE...they are His. I know this. However, when I contemplate giving up my 'perceived' ownership of them (mostly my people), my heart beats fast and I can't fathom it. I need His help with this. I will seek His strength and wisdom and peace. My legs are pretty shakey at this right now. I feel like the child who is too scared to walk into kindergarten for the first time. I want to hang onto His leg and hide my face. I am afraid I can't do it and I am scared to try. It is my goal that by the end of the year I am skipping through the door to class by myself. Then maybe next year I'll graduate to another grade and keep on growing. That's the goal at least.

So, there you have it. The allocution of my failings and my resolution to improve in 2010. I'm looking forward to a good year; not an easy year, but a good year. Easy doesn't always equate to good, does it?

Cheers!

Jill

Snow Days and Memories of Eastern Europe

2009-12-08T06:36:00.000-08:00

Here it is 7:40 on a Tuesday morning in December and I am enjoying a cup of coffee, a delish muffin made by my daughter last night to give me a break from cooking breakfast this morning and a SILENT house. All of this made possible by a snow day! Yes, the forcast of 6-12 inches and 50 mph gusts by this afternoon have prompted the public schools to call off school for today. When the kids wake up, they are going to be so excited! Our district rarely cancels school so this is, indeed, a rare treat.

Right now the snow is coming down steadily. In Nebraska the weather most often happens horizontally. Due to an extreme and unfortunate lack of forestation in our fair state, the wind blows all the time. Rain and snow come down sideways. Not today, though. The snow is falling straight down; silently. This, coupled with the fact that it's just beginning to get light outside take me back to the day I left Sofia, Bulgaria with our son Christian. It was snowing hard that day, too.

It had already begun to snow when I awoke that morning and continued as a five-year-old Christian and I ate breakfast, washed up and packed our belongings into our luggage for our long journey home. I was exhausted and he was.....I don't know what he was. In a state of shock, maybe? Scared witless? Confused beyond belief? All of the above. When we were basically ready to go I turned on the little 12" television for him to watch cartoons and I sat at the little table in our flat and watched the snow out our 3rd floor window.

The snow always has a way of making everything seem so quiet and buffered and it had certainly done so with the noisy city of Sofia. There didn't appear to be any fewer people walking to work or whereever they were off to, but they seemed to be moving with the 'mute' button on. Our flat had a little balcony with a black iron railing and the snow had begun to pile up on it. As I sat there the stack of snow got higher and higher and higher. I began to wonder if our plane would leave and felt a little panicky. Christian and I had not had the smoothest of bonding times thus far and I was really anxious to get home and have the support of our family.

Thankfully, we were finally picked up and taken to the airport and our plane did actually leave Bulgaria. It was when we got to Warsaw, Poland to change planes that all the trouble began but that's an entirely different blog.

Days like this, where the snow falls silently but abundantly always take me back to my last day in Sofia with Christian. To be perfectly honest, it's not really a happy memory, nor an unhappy memory; just a very strong memory.

Which brings me to another strong memory. This I mentioned on Facebook last week. Was it last week? Perhaps the week before. I'm losing track. Anyway, I mentioned how I'd been at the Post Office and parked beside a diesel truck and when I got out the cold air and the smell of the diesel fuel immediately made me cry. I wanted to expand on that a little bit and I will try, although I'm not altogether positive I can explain it.

When we travelled to Russia, Rick and I flew through Frankfort, Germany in November. The airports in Europe are not always like ours here in the United States. In Germany (both in Frankfort and Munich), Vienna, Czech Republic, Poland and Russia they did not pull the aircraft up to a jetway and allow the passengers to walk in relative comfort and warmth into the terminal. In all of those places, a set of steps was brought up to the airplane door and we walked down onto the tarmac and then into the terminal. Rain, snow, dark of night; nothing kept us from our appointed trip across the tarmac. We were like the US Postal Service. (note: carrying a baby, an umbrella stroller and a backpack in the hard snow will get you waved up to the front of the line!)

Out on the tarmac there are all those little vehicles that pull open-sided wagons with luggage to and from the airplanes. They always remind me of toys and I've always thought my boys would enjoy that particular profession of driving them. There are fuel trucks that come and refuel the airplanes and the big trucks that bring the meals out to the planes. Most of these vehicles are diesel; especially in Europe. So the smell of diesel fuel coupled with COLD air always brings back strong memories of my adoption travels.

The strongest memory isn't even very well remembered. I just sort of remember that Rick and I were sitting in the Frankfort airport (in blue plastic seats and there weren't very many people in our area and it seemed that all of them were from other countries than either the U.S. or Germany and most of them were reading newspapers that were oddly small and of interesting colors like pink and green and blue) and it was dark outside. We were heading to Russia to pick up Ana and this was the only trip he took with me. While we were waiting, forever it seemed, we watched all these little diesel vehicles zipping around. Because it was so dark and we were inside looking through a wall of windows, I couldn't really see where they were going or what exactly they were doing but the smell of diesel was so strong it was almost overwhelming and it was COLD.

And then later in our trip, riding in the small Russian-made Lada car through the streets of Moscow. Rick's knees were up to his ears since he didn't fit too well in the car. Moscow was surely not designed to support the vast number of vehicles on the roadways now and they are a nightmare to say the least. The transport trucks (what we would call a semi, only they were smaller and shaped differently) and the military vehicles were just tall enough for their exhaust pipe to direct the noxious fumes directly into our car windows. Overwhelming diesel smell and COLD air.

And later on yet, after 27 hours on the Trans-Siberian Railway we arrived in Ekaterinburg. Instead of the train pulling up to a platform so we could disembark, it simply stopped. We got out with our luggage (which included two huge boxes of coats, hat, gloves, etc. for the orphanage and a joy to carry!) and walked across 4 more sets of tracks....in the dark....and the cold...with the overwhelming smell of diesel fuel.

So, I guess I'm not exactly sure what it is about the smell of diesel fuel in the cold air that makes me cry. Our trip wasn't bad at all. In fact, it was wonderful! Rick was with me ( I went to Bulgaria solo five times) and we brought home our beautiful daughter, Ana. But, I guess it was stressful. Rick had never travelled out of the country before and he was a little shell-shocked. The culture is vastly different from our own and of course, the language barrier is incredibly isolating. I think it's just all of it. All of those crazy strong emotions of excitement, fear, confusion, love, adventure, missing the kids at home, etc. all rolled up into the smell of diesel fuel in the cold air. It makes me cry every time.

Well, my little nirvana has ended. Kids are up, Rick is sitting on the couch beside me and talking on the phone (could he not find somewhere else to do this?) and the day has begun. Guess I'll go outside and shovel up some of that beautiful snow.

NUDGE!!

2009-11-19T12:10:00.000-08:00

A few Sundays ago in church, our pastor said that the most common thing he sees is the 'elbow nudge'. You know, when you hear something and you nudge your husband or wife or child sitting beside you because THEY really need to pay attention to what was just said? Of course, in reality, it was probably us who really needed to be listening instead of applying nuggets of truth to others. At least that's how it is for me.

Today I was listening to one of my favorite songs and singing REALLY loudly in the car. I sing loudly because what I lack in talent I make up in volume. I was thinking of my friend who is going through a particularly nasty divorce from a particularly nasty man. She is a beautiful and kind person who loves and accepts people and this song I was singing along with was making me think of her and how it could lift her spirits and help her to remember that no matter what has happened, we are loved by God.

Then as I sang one part of the song that I've sung a thousand and ten times before, it happened. NUDGE! "Apply those words to YOURSELF".

Oh. ok. So I did. Then the tears started. I needed to apply those words to myself. I have been feeling a bit off-kilter lately. There have been big changes in our world this year. Our oldest child got married. The next one is finishing up high school in December and will move into an apartment early next year. We bought a second business a year and a half ago. Maybe those don't seem daunting to anyone else, but they FEEL so to me.

When I was younger mom I felt so confident in my ability and decisions. I suppose that was because the kids were young and their problems were more controllable, maybe? They weren't quite to life-altering. Or at least I didn't think they were. Now with the older kids I don't know anything! I don't know how to advise them and when I do, I get all muddled up in "should I say how I'd do it or try to think of how it would be best for them to do it?". I feel like I don't do any of it well.

I have a new daughter-in-law. I don't know how to be a mother-in-law. I love her. No doubt about that. But I don't know her very well. After all, my son dated her, I didn't. I'm not exactly sure how to go about getting to know her or what she expects from our relationship. I was a very young bride and I lived in the town where my husband grew up where none of my family lived. I wonder if she feels the way I did? I have a great relationship with my son but I have pulled back so I don't step on toes. But...I still step on toes it seems.

My oldest daughter is leaving the nest soon. I am immensely proud of her and am fully behind her stretching her wings but I hate to see her go. She was my last baby. Everyone who came after her was not born to me. She's just a special girl and I like having her around. I know! Selfish. I can admit that.

Lately, I've been questioning all my choices and decisions. Should we have adopted four children? Did we short-change our first two? Did they get pushed to the side because the others required SO much more of...me? Do they regret it? Will they never want to have a big family because they hated living in one? Was I somehow being self-centered thinking I could save the world? Could my kids have gone to parents who had more time than I do? Could they have gotten parents who could have afforded more of the finer things in life? Did I short-change them too?

With all of my uncertainty swirling around in my heart I focused on the words to the Casting Crowns song:

'I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light

I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night

I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals

I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me'

I'm not holding on to Him....He's holding on to ME. What security to know that when I am feeling so adrift, I'm not really adrift because He is holding on to me. Who knows if the decisions I've made have been the right ones. I made the best decisions I could at the time. Sure, I feel uncertain and like a big fat failure a lot, but I can't live by what I feel. I have to live by the truth.

And the truth is, I am loved. I need to live as if I am loved. My mistakes; I am trying to learn from them. My sins; they are cast as far as the East is from the West. I am shaped by them but not defined by them. I am forgiven and I am loved.

I needed that nudge today.

Blingy Blackberry Curve 8330 cell phone covers!!

2009-11-09T08:07:00.000-08:00

I'm like a crow. If there is something shiney, I want it. To that end, I have bought several of these FAB blingy cell phone covers. Due to my extreme generocity, I am willing to part with them so that you, too, might broadcast just how fab you really are by chatting on a blinged out phone!

These covers are for the Blackberry Curve 8330 but if you want, I can get other cell models. The totally blingy ones are $25 +shipping to you and the silicone/bling ones are $15 +shipping to you!

Send me a comment or email me at jeel@neb.rr.com if you want to show off your blingy fabulocity ASAP!

Jeel

The Reluctant HGTV Design Superstar!

2009-11-08T21:04:00.000-08:00

It looks like I'm going to get my own show on HGTV! Isn't that exciting!? If you think David Bromstad was excited when he was told he would be the host of Color Splash, you ain't seen nothing yet.

Of course, my show is going to be a little different than most of the offerings on HGTV. All of the folks who were chosen to host their own shows love what they do. They are passionate about design and color and staging a home so it will sell more quickly. These celebs have actual training in their chosen field and were leaders in their classes.

Me, not so much. I'm not exactly passionate about painting. Honestly, I don't like to paint at all! I do like color and think if I had a warehouse of items to choose from, could surely stage a home to sell quickly. The fact that I don't really enjoy painting or knocking down walls is really going to be the draw of my new television show. The working title so far is 'The Reluctant Remodeler'. It describes me perfectly.

I see it working something like this: Viewers who need to sell their homes quickly will write in and describe their plight. I will choose a victim, I mean lucky recipient, of my handyman skills and then I will go to their home and help them remodel it so it will sell quickly....hopefully. These are going to have to be desperate folks, for sure.

Since I don't really enjoy home improvement projects, I will try to find the most short cuts possible. You know, you can save a lot of time painting over a wallpaper border rather than removing it and then painting. As long as you sell the house quickly, this should never be a problem. Well, it won't be your problem, at least.

Details aren't so much my strong suit either. I am really more concerned with finishing. Sure, quality is important, but if you don't have a lot of patience, time is really of the essence. Maybe removing all the cabinet doors and hardware before carefully sanding and painting is the best way. However, simply taping over the handles and draping drop cloths on the countertops and floors before you use an airless sprayer to coat the entire kitchen is surely the quickest. You can complete an entire kitchen in less than an hour!

Need to paint a room a more neutral color to make it more appealing to prospective buyers? Again, I recommend the airless sprayer. It's a most magical machine. If the room isn't very big you can employ the 360 method. Stand in the center of the room and slowly turn in a circle to coat the entire room. Do remember to wear a mask for this trick!

As you can see, I'll be able to accomplish quite a bit of remodeling each episode, and at a low cost to boot. I imagine I'll have quite a long and satisfying career as the Reluctant Remodeler. Do be sure to tune in...you won't be sorry!

(disclaimer: this blog entry is fiction. While parts are true; ie: I hate to paint, I would never paint a small room with an airless sprayer. I always use spraypaint in a can. always.)

Shredding the Mountain

2009-11-06T12:57:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not snowboarding, I'm actually shredding the mountain of business paperwork that I've been saving.

We started scanning in our documents this year but I've been too afraid to actually shred them just in case there was something I still needed! Sure, maybe I have trust issues, so what? The person I don't trust is ME. I'm not at all confident that I've scanned in everything I will need proof of someday if I ever get audited by the IRS. Sure, I set up a system whereby I only put scanned documents into the box labled 'To Be Scanned'. Sure, I've double and triple checked to see if various documents from various months are really on my computer. But I am still scared to shred.

Since we are putting our house on the market soon, I must get my office in order. Nobody is going to see the excellence of my bonus space if it is overtaken by unscanned documents, now are they? And so today, knees knocking and heart palpitating, I sat down and started shredding. I didn't even look at the papers; I just fed them into the shredder.

So far I have four full bags and I'm not even half through the box. I'm taking a break now because I've overheated the shredder...for the second time.

Now that I'm feeling so bold, I might even get ride of some of those purses I've been hanging on to 'just in case' I might need it again. On second thought, nah.

Bravo for Housewives!

2009-11-05T18:01:00.000-08:00

It started out so innocently. I watched a few episodes of The Real Life Housewives of Orange County because I just couldn't look away once I'd glimpsed it. After a few episodes, I was hooked. I liked all the Housewives, even if I thought their drama was silly and their lives were over the top. As the seasons progressed and the cast evolved, I just kept on watching.

You know how it goes, once you start one thing, you find yourself branching out into other facets of the same behavior. Like when you over eat at a holiday party and then pretty soon you are sitting on the couch every night with a bowl of ice cream. Well, maybe it's not exactly like that. Anyway, I watched the Housewives of New York ( LOVE Jill Zarin and Bethenny Frankel! I'm totally sure they'd want to be my friend if only they could just meet me!). To me, the NYC Housewives seem more down to earth and less materialistic. I suppose they are still wealthy and have whatever they decide they want, but it just didn't seem to have the same sense of entitlement that the OC Housewives have.

From NYC I evolved to New Jersey but didn't have as much time to watch. I didn't feel as drawn in by them, though I really love Caroline Manzo and her great mix of fun and 'mess with me and I"ll rip your heart out'. I want to be her friend too.

When the Atlanta Housewives appeared I had to watch. How could I not?! With all the wig snatching and being tardy for the party, this group of housewives was CRAZY! Nene (my personal fave) is bigger than life and her one liners are killer...boo!

Which leads me to (drum roll please) the season premiere of The Real Life Housewives of Orange County! I cannot wait! My kids will be in bed and I can settle down and enjoy my guilty pleasure.

Bravo!! Bring on the Housewives!

What Are YOU? A BABY?

2009-11-05T12:07:00.000-08:00

Today while listening to my Sirius Satellite Radio (oh, how I l-o-v-e love it!) I happened to hear this commedian, Ross Bennett. He was talking about his father who was in the Marines and I have a friend who's son just finished the crucible and will now be an official Marine (Ooh Rah!) and this really made me laugh. I hope it makes you laugh too.

The only difference in this and the one I heard was the last line he said on the radio was, "What are you, a baby?" You'll get it when you hear it.
The part about his dad is at the end but the rest is pretty funny as well.

enjoy!
Jill

Movin', Movin', Movin'....Keep that Van a Movin'

2009-11-05T05:44:00.000-08:00

This blog goes out to the mom in the silver mini-van in front of me while dropping off kids at the middle school today. Hello!! You do not live on the Earth alone! There are others here as well!

My 7th grade trumpeteer had to be at an early-morning practice, so I scooted to the middle school early to drop her off. Since she wears a prosthetic leg and/or uses arm crutches, I sometimes drop her off in the 'handicapped lane' where there is less traffic and she has more time to exit the vehicle, get her trumpet out of the back of the car, etc. Today, since it was just for this practice and traffic was light, I drove through the normal drop-off lane. Or at least I attempted to. I pulled up behind Mrs. Silver Minivan who was parked smack dab in front of the door.

I wrongly assumed she was stopped to allow her band-geek to exit her van, enter the building and then drive AWAY like every other parent in the known universe does. But no. Silly me. She was apparently claiming that spot right in front of the doors as her homestead. I had to let Sofie out farther from the door than I would've liked because of this pioneer woman in her silver minivan. Normally, our 8th grader,Christian, would carry Sofie's trumpet into the school for her when she has her arm crutches but since we were dropping her off early and solo, she was on her own to wrangle her bookbag, extra large band folder that does not fit in any normal sized book bag and the trumpet in it's case that weights roughly the same as she does, while using her crutches for an extra 400 feet.

While Sofie is trying to get out of the car and not drop her stuff, the child in the silver minivan is still sitting in the passenger seat. I just can't understand it. If you are going to allow your kid to sit in the car for 10 extra minutes in the drop off lane, DON'T PARK DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE DOORS! At the very least she could've pulled way up so others could drop off closer to the door. If I'd had on anything better than a bright orange T-shirt and hot pink jamie pants with flaminco dancers on them, I would've gotten out and given that woman a piece of my mind!

Just as Sofie was almost to the door, the silver minivan girl got out of her van, walked quickly to the door, entered and let the door shut in Sofie's face. Like mother, like daughter. For some unknown reason, Mrs. Silver Minivan continued to sit there in her parking spot. I and several other cars and to drive out of line around her. Hello! Yooo Hoo! Anybody home????

It just makes me absolutely crazy! So many people go through life not giving a hoot how their actions are affecting anyone else. Worse yet, these people reproduce!! There should be a law. Honestly, don't you think? After all the paperwork and background checks I had to endure to adopt children and these selfish crackpots willy nilly reproduce like rabbits. I don't get it.

Maybe since parents are teaching this at home, the school system should design a class entitled "Being Aware of How You Affect Others". We might have to divert some funds from some other area, like say maybe football? (GASP!) But wouldn't it be worth it? I think so.

So, Mrs. Silver Minivan, the next time I get behind you in the drive up lane and you are parked and reading Moby Dick or whatever it is you do there, I am not going to hesitate to get out of my vehicle and knock on your window and tell you to MOVE IT!

I'd better start wearing shoes when I drive the kids to school, just in case.

Unanswered Prayers

2009-11-04T12:05:00.000-08:00

My day started earlier than usual as the hubby had to get off to Omaha for continuing education for his Master Pumper license. I got him packed to spend the night there and out the door while making breakfast and herding kids around. Chase and I left the house early to attend the Muffins with Moms at his elementary school library. I had a little lemon poppyseed muffin and he chose a chocolate chip muffin that was technically larger than his head. He ate almost all of it! This after a bowl of oatmeal at home. Hmm..and I thought Sofie was our kid with the hollow leg. har har.
After enjoying muffins on short chairs with my favorite fourth grader, I headed over to my in-law's house. My MIL (Karen) had to work this morning so I was going to stay with my FIL (Ed). Since his stroke last week, he still shouldn't be left alone. His vision isn't quite back to normal in his right eye and his right side of the body is still weak/numb.

As soon as I arrived, he was ready to GO! This is a man who goes out for coffee EVERY morning with his friends. We got in the car and headed for coffee. He was greeted by everyone in the place and it lifted his spirits to be out and about. He and I sat and visited for about an hour. He and I typically have a good time joshing eachother and he loves to take the boys to do whatever he is doing. He is the 'handy' type of guy. He can fix anything...ANYthing. He used to let our oldest son take apart microwaves and telephones and anything else he could get his hands on, just to see how it was put together. He lets the boys mow and feed the fish in his pond and they go out for ice cream and whoppers.

After we'd enjoyed coffee and chatting we headed back to the house where he napped in his recliner in the sun porch until my dad came over for a visit. They sat out on the sun porch and I sat inside on the couch in the silent house where there was no laundry, cleaning, bookwork, computer or tasks that need to be completed. It was wonderful! I read through all my magazines and catalogs and even perused a couple of Karen's cookbooks.

As a high school senior, McKenzie, has open lunch so she came and had a bite to eat and say 'hi' to Grandpa. A litttle after noon, Karen returned and I was off to the grocery store and back to the busy reality of life.

I am so thankful that I don't work outside the home. I'm blessed that I have the time to go over and be with Ed. For all the times I prayed to live somewhere, anywhere, other than Nebraska, I can't imagine not being here now. Thank God for unanswered prayers.

If I were a millionaire

2009-11-03T08:40:00.000-08:00

The morning drive to school has always provided a little pocket of time to chat where I have learned the most interesting things. Take for instance the day Sofie confided that when she grew up she wanted to have an RV with a disco ball. Ok, that is slightly disturbing, but still. I've learned some good stuff over the years.

Today it was Sofie who posed the question. She asked me where I would live if I were a millionaire. This used to be a no-brainer for me. I could think of a hundred places I'd love to live! South Carolina, Oregon, Arizona, East Texas, Italy, Bulgaria....I love adventure and new anything so I'd pick someplace interesting and head out. But today I couldn't say any of those places. In the oddest twist of fate, I had to admit I would live here in Columbus. After 20+ years of complaining and whining and harping about how I did NOT want to live here, now I don't want to leave. I can hardly believe it myself.

I don't want to live anywhere else now because my grown kids live here. In the next few years they will be starting a family and I don't want to be 4,000 miles away from my grandbabies! I didn't have the opportunity to grow up around my grandparents and I don't want that for my grandkids. (Not sure how my kids feel about this...perhaps I should ask! I might not be the best role model but I have promised NEVER to buy the loud and annoying toys.) Listen to me; talking about grandkids I don't even have! But, you see what I'm saying, right?

I did add that if I were a millionaire, I'd have a vacation home somewhere fabulous where we could all go and relax and make wonderful memories. Surely, a millionaire could afford that, right? I'm not exactly positive since numbers are really not my thing. I love words. Numbers....not so much. Perhaps if I were just a millionaire, we'd only be able to vacation in Kansas City. I don't know. I just know that I'd like to have some options for escape now and then. And I'd take those grandbabies with me for all sorts of fun adventures!

I Find Myself Amusing

2009-11-02T12:16:00.000-08:00

I realize it's a sad state of affairs when you laugh at your own jokes, but honestly, sometimes I read my old columns and I laugh. I forget so much stuff that I'm thrilled I have stacks of newspapers containing my old columns and even some on my website http://www.jilljackstate.com/ . I love being able to go back and read what I wrote about the kids when they were smaller and to remember what they were like in those days. What fun!

Some of you might wonder why I would choose to blog on this site if I already have such a personalized webpage. The answer is so simple: I don't like how difficult the "EASY site builder" is to use and I don't know how to FTP anything other than my financial information to our accountant (and they gave me step by step instructions that I have to have handy each time I do it). I'd prefer to have all my 'stuff' more integrated but I don't know how to do it and trying to reasearch how to accomplish such a feat seems, well, too hard.

Let's be honest, people. I am the person who throws away paint rollers rather than washing them out because it's too much of a hassle. I'm all about easy-peasy.

I guess I'll keep blogging since that seems much easier. I love the feedback and welcome your comments and thoughts!! Feel free to pass my blog along to your friends and heck, even your enemies. Who knows, maybe some IT person will accidentally read it and have some easy kindergarten-level advice for how to merge my 'junk'.

Until then, I'm going to go read some of my old columns and amuse myself.

I'm Walking, Yes Indeed and I"m...Adjusting My Attitude?

2009-11-01T18:29:00.000-08:00

Oh, I have got to go for a walk. Well, perhaps just a shuffle will be all I can manage after the amazingly mammoth meal I just consumed. Our church just celebrated our 10 year anniversary at our annual 'Joyfest' which is basically a Thanksgiving type deal. It's always a fun time with great food and fun entertainment but man, oh, man, oh man have I ever eaten toooo much!

But, what's new, right? Ever since the wedding, when I no longer had to be the MOG (Mother of the Groom) I have been grazing along like a bovine. I'm busy enough during the day that I don't eat much but at the end of the day, when the kids are in bed and I can finally sit down, I eat. I like to justify this little practice by telling myself that I'm doing something I like to do...something for ME finally in the day. Yes, isnt' that so nice? I'm rewarding all my hard work during the day with a hiney that needs it's own zip code. What kind of twisted thinking is that???

Heck, just add it to the unending list of my twisted thinking. I spent the last week being a smidge vile. I was feeling vastly unappreciated for the myriad of things I do on a daily basis. I had been sick for a couple of weeks and despite the fact that I took care of everyone else while they were sick and made sure that they had Gatorade and soup and fluffed up pillows, nobody did any of that for me. I still had to drag myself out of bed to take everyone where they needed to be and to make meals (that nobody appreciates!). (Can you hear the violins playing???) So, I mentally crossed my arms and stomped my feet and added up all the times I've done some thankless task that everyone expects and nobody notices and pouted for a week. A WHOLE WEEK! Do you really think I'd let one of my kids POUT for a week? Short answer: no. But in my infintite twisted thinking, I justified my hurt feelings and nursed my pitiful attitude for a whole week. Since even I can't stand myself acting like that for too long, I had to just get it off my chest and then let it go!

Cut to this morning's sermon that was entitled "It Was Time for an Attitude Adjustment". I turned to my friend Liz with a look of incredulity and said, "Seriously!" She snickered and suggest that perhaps I shouldn't have created a Facebook page for our pastor. Now he can tailor the sermons to my bad behavior!

As it turned out, I did need an attitude adjustment. I needed to be reminded that, as a Christian, I am an example of Christ to others. I'm pretty sure nobody was thinking, "Wow! I sure would like to be more like Jill Tate!" this past week. I didn't even want to!

So, I'm adjusting my attitude. And I'm going for a walk. And tomorrow I am going to make it a point to tell others in my life that I appreciate them for all that they do for me.

Ha Ha Halloween

2009-10-31T20:46:00.000-07:00

Tonight was a first for me. My kids went trick-or-treating without either my husband or me! I gotta admit, it felt a little odd. For MANY years, I was the only parent who took the kids trick-or-treating. The hubby was almost always working, so the task fell to me. I spent years hearding multiple children along sidewalks and carrying the candy bucket for our daughter who uses arm crutches. After a few houses, she'd just skip the ones with lots of porch steps. Then just about 4-5 years ago, as life transitioned, I was able to get a break and stay home and hand out the candy and my husband would take the kids. I was SO thankful when he'd take them on those FREEEEZING Halloweens. They'd return home with hands frozen around the bucket handle with my husband carrying the one whose hands were sore from using her crutches.

But tonight, I only had one trick-or-treater (a skeleton) and his older brother along with the neighbor boy who is his age took our skeleton, the little neighbor girl and a family friend of ours. I got to stay home and visit with my friend while one of my daughters handed out candy until her ride to a slumber party showed up to whisk her away. Then my friend and I got to sit outside on such a beautiful night and enjoy all those little Spidermen, Brides of Frankenstein and princesses. I gave out 10 bags of candy and ran out before the kids did!

BUT...and you knew there had to be a but, didn't you? What has happened to basic manners? Not even half of the kids tonight said 'thank you'. Most didn't even bother to say 'trick-or-treat'! What's with that??

There were a couple of funny spots in the night, though. At one point, two boys who were at least 14 and not wearing costumes, walked up. The first one immediately said a catchy rhyme and 'earned' a treat. I have a policy that I do NOT give candy to teens who are not wearing costumes but are carrying pillow cases. Now the second boy was slightly chunkier than the first and he apparently expected to ride on the rhyming coat tails of his pal. No go! He gestured that I should just shovel in some candy and I said he should do a treat. We went back and forth a few times. I suggested he could at the very least tell a joke. At this point, I had to stop the first boy from jumping in to tell a joke and rescue his friend! Finally, the chunky boy told a joke and I gave him candy. Liz and I thought perhaps we should've made him do jumping jacks or push ups to earn the treat.

There were LOTS of adults who carried their own bags and expected candy, one person who asked for candy for 'a sick kid at home' and get this: one boy took his candy without saying thanks and then said, "Can I have one for my grandma?" It took me by surprise! His GRANDMA? That was a new one! I said, "Your grandma?" and he said, "Yes." Heck, I gave him another candy bar for even having the guts to ask for extra candy for his grandma with a straight face.

When all the candy was gone, we ate Mexican food and enjoyed good company. It almost seemed too easy! Well, for me at least. Hubby got called out since the employee who is actually on call tonight was taking his little guy trick-or-treating. I hated to see him go, but I'm thankful for business and I know how hard it is to be the only parent to take the kids out on Halloween, so I didn't want to have to call our employee in.

OH ,and my 16 year old daughter went to a party dressed as Heidi Klum....who is pregnant! It was a hoot! Her dad didn't think it was so funny but I reminded him that when she dressed up as a witch or a doctor when she was younger did not destine her to become either of those things. I did make her remove her belly when she drove!! (Oh, if only I could've done that when actually pregnant!)

All in all, a lovely and relaxing Halloween evening.

2009-10-30T11:45:00.001-07:00

1:45 pm CST. I'm finished being irritated at my son. Deep breath in...blow it out. It's all good.

I'm a Frayed Knot

2009-10-30T08:51:00.000-07:00

Seriously, people! Why did Nebraska have to do away with that law whereby you could drop off your child, of any age, at a hospital for any reason with no legal repercussion. I've got a 13 year old whom I'd like to put in a box with a sign that reads 'Free to Good Home'. The home doesn't even have to be that good. I've got low standards.

This particular boy has some medical issues that cause him to have stiff legs. With PT he could improve quite a bit, but he's not so interested in working on it. Unfortunately for him, he also wants to wrestle in school. He wrestled last year in 7th grade. Our coach had to tell the other coach that their team couldn't bend his legs hard. Now that he is in 8th grade, that doesn't seem quite fair to tell the other team they can't wrestle him fairly. SO, because I don't want to stand in his way of miraculous wrestling success, I made a deal with him. If he would work on his knee flexibility throughout the year, we would give wrestling serious consideration. (He can do serious damage to his joints if they are just wrenched back). He agreed to this. He worked on his knees a grand total of 4 times.

Yesterday he called me from school to say, "Mom, I think I'm going to go out for wrestling and today is the meeting so I'll have to stay after school for that."

EXCUSE ME??????? I'm telling you that this boy lives in a magical land where he is entitled to everything he REALLY wants, simply becuase he REALLY wants it. Oh, wouldn't that be nice? I told him that he was not going out for wrestling and I'd pick him up at the regular time. He was not happy.

After school when we 'discussed' (that's the nice blogger way of saying I railed at him for 35 hours) it he said that he figured I'd change my mind and besides 'I would get what I want and he would get what he wants.' Oh that was rich...I asked what he meant. He said that he would get to wrestle and I would get good grades! (He actually believed this was sound reasoning).

And yet, I had to question him as to WHY, on God's green earth, could he not get good grades unless he was wrestling? He said that he couldn't wrestle if he had an "F", therefore, he would keep his grades up.

Ridiculous reasoning aside, I pointed out that he had failed to hold up his end of our bargain. He said he just thinks it's hopeless and he won't improve so he doesn't work on it. (Same line of thought that promped him to sit on the couch and watch TV while grounded rather than clean baseboards in family room. There are couches and chairs in there and it would be hard to get to baseboards. So, he didn't even try.) Is your blood pressure rising yet, or is it just me?

There is no rational conversation with him. He only sees his point of view and argues with statements that don't even make sense. WHY do I get drawn in? Because I continue to harbor hope that one day...ONE DAY he is going to dial in and get it.

I know I am ranting here. I see that. I own that. But lately I am just up to my eyeballs in doing what needs to be done for everyone and everything; plus my BFF Sharon gave me till 2pm CST to stew about it and then I have to get out of the pot and let it go. She's a good friend like that. She didn't say I had to get over myself immediately. I really appreciate that.

WELL, now that I've got that off my chest, I'm going to march on with the day. At 2:00 pm CST I will officially LET IT GO and then I will go enjoy my 4th grader's Halloween Party at school. Sure wish I still had some of those Snicker bars to take.

Drawing it to a Close...

2009-10-29T20:48:00.000-07:00

Good grief. I am never going to win Mother of the Year at this rate. My children are surely going to drag me onto the Montel show some day. I feel like I'm at this odd place in life. I have a 21 year old married son....several kids...and a 9 year old son. Where do I fit in? Do I fit in with the parents of 21 year olds? Am I in the "we have married kids' group? or do I fit into the 'I have an elementary schooler' group? I don't know how to dress. I don't want to wear those horrible matronly clothes that just scream "I've given up!" and I shouldn't really wear clothes that are for younger moms. I don't want to wear the same things my daughter-in-law wears. Of course, she looks adorable every minute of ever day...but is she going to feel creepy if we show up at church with similar outifit on?

Well, anyway. Maybe I'll just wear sweatpants every day, stop washing my hair and wear light blue eyeshadow and pastel pink lipstick. Niiiice.

It's obvious now that I really have nothing to say tonight, isnt' it? Rick is still at the hospital with his dad and I have nobody to talk to. It's only YOU!!

Guess I'll just sign off and finish watching "Real Life Housewives of Atlanta". Yes, I am high class.

And the day wears on...

2009-10-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah...I showered hours ago but time has, again, not allowed time for any activity of my own choosing. Oh, but I'm not giving up. No-sir-ree bobtail! I AM going to blog even if I have to do it in my sleep. Hmm...maybe I'll blog while awake and clean the bathroom in my sleep. THAT would be much better.

I spent the better part of today sitting in the hospital with my dad-in-law. He's having some TIAs and is pretty frustrated by it all. The vision in his right eye comes and goes and boy does that tick him off! I thought it could totally work in my favor if he could only see half of me, I'd look thinner. I am considering buying eye patches for everyone I encounter. What? It is too a good idea!

I am currently stealing time from making dinner. Meatloaf is on my menu for tonight and I just don't want to make it. I HATE putting my hands in all that nasty raw meat and eggs...gak! I am not a fan of hamburger in general so.... I wish the dinner fairy would magically appear and *poof* a fabu dinner on the table! I get so tired of cooking that I felt like I was on a fancy date when my hubby bought me lunch at the hospital cafeteria today. What a sad state of affairs.

But cook I must. Perhaps I'll cheese out and make tater tot casserole. The kids like it. I'll eat a salad...or maybe 30 more of those snack-sized Snickers I bought to hand out on Halloween.

2009-10-29T06:25:00.001-07:00

And the opening salvo is fired from my Blackberry! I will post more after I've showered. Hooray, right?